Restless Dreams

I search for a soul
Waiting for a known train…
To take me to an unknown destination
While I search…I sing…I live…for a change

As, sleepless nights slip by…
And, passing days leave its mark
In graying hairs and crinkling cheeks…
I seek to break free

Travelling alone on lonely alleys…
Hearing the night whisper its secrets
I seek to be accepted within its fold…
To be given access to the dark side of the moon

I know not where I tread
Is it real or a dream…
I, however, keep walking on the edges of sanity
Flirting with life across the line

The smoke hangs thick
Adding to the haze
Lonely, lovely, dark silence…
The seductive black’s beckoning

I stand alone…
Bereft of fetters and desires
I die to wake up…
I die hoping to be part of the black soon…

A Tear

I cannot remember what we fought about…
I hope it was important
I can’t remember why you made me cry…
I hope you had a reason

From the depths of dark, unknown bowels
Of misconstrued and messed up emotions
Travels a solitary tear…
Carrying the burden of my sorrows

I seek solace from a friend…
Hundreds of miles away
Finding warmth from a hug
By simply reading the syllables

And, a lonely tear…
Makes its journey to the threshold of my eyes…
While, I search…
I search for an answer to the elusive why…

And, you remain…
In the sounds of silence
And, forgotten lyrics of oft-heard songs…
While, the heavy tear dries itself on my cheeks

A Small Wish

A small message…
Lost in the pathways of the electronic jungle…
An unexpected reply…after ages…
A faltering footstep of trust in an untrusting world

I remember these…as, the first drops of rain
Wash the dawn to welcome you…
I hear the tune of early morning ajaan…
And, every syllable sings of you

May, the morning bring you happiness…
And, evening peace in its arms…
May, life give you strength
And, humility to accept it all

It’s a long road and it’s a hard rain…
And, you have left a bit of you at every bend…
Time…and time again…
And, it’s quiet while you look ahead…

I slowly take your hand
And, walk with you for a while…
For, I know you will keep walking…long after I am gone…
For, I know I leave you love and a wish….Happy Birthday, my friend.

Lost

The sky finally spills over…
While, I sit with a cup of coffee on my solitary verandah
Looking beyond the greydom
Into the distance…through the rain, through your eyes

A melancholy tune wafts in…
While I lose you in this world
I had let you down, yet your eyes never accused me…
I loved you, yet I let you go…but you never complained…

Time moves on…but, times like these…
As, I watch the empty streets…
And, the rain drenches my soul…
I miss you…yet, I cannot reach for you

It was a strange act…
Caught between eternities and fleeting moments…
Your arm was reassuring but I was scared
Your presence was calming, but I was restless…

And, then you were gone…
Like the restless breeze lost in the meadows…
Maybe, I never loved you enough
Maybe, I never knew how to…

I hold the cup tightly…
As, the rain lashes my eyes
And, I shut the world out…
Waiting. Despairing. Hoping. Despairing.

Rain Messenger's Diary 14...Letter to Annie 3

Dear Annie,
They say I have learnt nothing. Nothing, from the pain and tears that I have been through. They say I am still a fool. A fool, who does not deserve to live or belong in this world.

Yet, Annie I love to live. All that they curse me for or scream at me for are the only things that I hold on to in my darkest hours. They are all that are the best in me. How do you deal with it when you are hated for what, you think you should be loved for? How far do you have to be pushed before you go over the edge?

Do you remember our late night chats constituting random nonsense and whispered fears and hopes? There is no one who wants to listen to my silence anymore and I’m afraid to speak. I am moving on, leaving people behind. One by one they all have forsaken me or perhaps I have forced them to forsake me, whichever way, I am lonely.

Annie, are you sick of me cribbing? I am. I am tired of being vulnerable inside and also strong to face the world. I am tired of fighting the desire to be destructive. Annie, I am tired of asking questions to which there are no answers.

They have given up on me, left me for a used, washed-up, shell of a man. They mock my emotions and label me a cheap flirt, yet Annie, I survive.

Annie, I survive for I know that whenever the world is too heavy, no matter how far, my words will be carried to you. I survive for I know that I can always sleep in your arms and be protected from them. This letter is a wish, a wish that I don’t lose myself in the dust of the world, a wish that as long as I live, my letters find you well
With all my love,
Rain Messenger

Storm

The sky darkens…
As, the dust get wings
And, I watch alone…
Suddenly, invisible in the dust of the world

I stretch my arms…
Wishing I could ride on its back
Lost amongst our existence…
Running back to anthills

Time refuses to stand still or pass on…
As, the first drops hit my eyelids…
The lightning threatens
And, the sky seems dangerous…

Everyone runs for shelter…
I try to join them…yet…
I stand crazy…calm…
In your arms again

This is It

The sky looks on with a misty eye…
As, I feel the sudden rush of speed before the calm…
The ground hastily recedes
As, the propellers fly me away…

I look for you…
But, all seems so small from up here anyway…
And, it’s time to embrace reality, to be better…
To be more, than what you had thought I would ever be

And, hence its goodbye…
To old friends and forgotten follies
Adieu, to broken hearts and emotions that weakens.
It’s goodbye to you.

I know not what I seek…
Or where it is that I seek it…
Yet, I never despair…
I know my rain is never far away…

I draw the smoke in deeply…
Looking for a last embrace
But, guess I took in too much…
My eyes burn…and I cannot seem to exhale

The raindrops repeat your words…
As I look for patterns in the empty coffee cup
When, I close my eyes your lies still choke
Yet, I smile…

I emerge.
Burnt and free. A hardened actor…
Convincing enough to fool even myself…
You wanted me to be happy…this is it.