Rain Messenger's Diary 7...God & I

“ Bhagawan, Nomo Koro…”(that’s God bow to him)…these three words said with a tinge of righteous indulgence by numerous relatives are my first memories of this omnipotent and omnipresent being. The numerous idols and various shapes in which “Bhagawan” came was a real fascination for me but my first tiff with him started when at the age of 5-6 I started to wonder what exactly had he done to deserve my respect…and with the innocence and doggedness of a child who is convinced that he has stumbled upon the most important and hitherto overlooked question of the universe…I started to question my relatives “Bhagawan ke nomo keno korbo?” (why should I fold my hands and bow in front of God?)

A lot of rolled eyes and obvious rhetorics like “because you are supposed to…(as if that was an answer to my why)…” later I got one answer which I approved of, “ because God taught us the difference between right and wrong, good and evil, light and darkness.” God, as a teacher was an idea which appealed to my six year old senses and justified the respect showered on him.

But, God turned out to be quite a strict teacher with a penchant for doing just the things he is not supposed to do like punishing kids who did not talk in class and therefore, I soon began to grudge his presence.

His adamant omniscience and omnipresence and his fascist dictatorial and blatant refusal, to let his students pass and go to the next class and consequently a new teacher, absolutely ticked me off. I revolted with all the 7-8 year old fury I could muster.

But, after all He was the teacher and I, a mere humble student, afraid, hesitant and full of guilt of doing the “wrong” thing. He did not help. He did not choose to show me anything that could win my faith. The reasons present accepted and known for evoking faith started appearing hollow, with people asking me to bow to a great ball of fire (the sun), that really was the last straw!! After all, I had my back to consider and it was not possible to bow so many times without doing some kind of damage to it and when I knew that the great ball of fire was neither benign nor benevolent and it was a mere chance that he bestowed us with light, and any closer to his divine self, all prayers notwithstanding, he would burn us to cinders, which anyways is our final fate.

I decided it was something I had to find out for myself, questions that I had to ask myself, answer myself and even correct them myself ( if only exams were like that…). The Herculean task turned out to be much more testing than any examination I had been asked to sit for. It was a journey taken to question things that appeared so obvious that nobody seemed interested in even sparing a thought to it.

In the course of this tryst with God my question started to change from “why God?” to “How can people be so blind?” I could understand the Neolithic man’s fear of the elements and hence their primaeval Gods but how could we in the 21st century still hold on to a concept that was so obviously baseless…our behaviour with all our knowledge was as primordial as that of the Neolithic man. The other thing that really shocked me was that the fear and fundamentalism on this issue was so deep-seated, so deeply ingrained into our system, that most of the times we do not even realise that almost all of our actions and words could be attributed to it.

As one of my friends once said when I asked her, why she wore a burqa to school in today’s world, when she is being educated, a student of science and the future of the emancipated woman, she simply replied, “it’s what we are supposed to do…” the ambiguous do’s and don’ts which we so “religiously” follow never really strike us and no one bothers to stop and scrap the useless junk. Another of my friends one day vehemently tried to convince me, why it was so necessary to be religionistic and why he could not be touched by me after I had non-vegetarian food.

I was shocked or rather so tempted to laugh at this entire debacle of the Super-Being that I kept quiet. God, shed all his halos for me that day.

Since, ages from Brahmins to priests God has just been a tool of the biggest con game of the history of mankind-RELIGION.

I denounced God, not because he did not exist but for the hypocrisy of men who forced him to exist. I would have bowed to Christ, the man but I simply refuse to believe in Christ who turns water to wine. I would pray to Mother Teresa but I hate the church that looks for “miracles” to award her Sainthood. I refuse to bow to the chauvinistic Ramakrishna who makes his wife walk back 100kms (as no other conveyance was available at that time) just because he feels that she has started her journey at an inauspicious time.

God & I go back a long way, we rarely agree, often fight and almost always avoid each other. When, it comes to me, God turns deaf and blind, and what can I say for people who still believe in “HIM”………..GROW UP.

Fear

I shiver…
Thankfully, time marches
The unknown fear of the known sensation
Triggering the pain…from the vault
Of the unstrung violin
I am tired…
Of the eternal desire to sleep
Scared of the new mirror…
Showing the old image
Held in the shackles of freedom,
I want to escape
The embrace of a new lease of life…

I shiver…
Thankfully, it is raining
No one notices…but I know inside…
And I cringe
No one realizes…yet I know
I am scared…
Of the old river on its course
Afraid of the cruel dance of death
She might indulge in…
Yet the rainbow shines
And makes me want to forget the devastating flood
Making me cruel…
With a desire to live

The uncertainty of the individuality
Of my manic depression
And the desperate confusion
Of unexplored and misconstrued love
Halted by a brief journey
I shiver…
Should I live…again?

Pyre Of Senses

Essence of the invigorating blue sky
Assaults my senses…
I feel them burning inside
Unable to tear away…
From the sun reflected in the innocent clouds
Like a deer caught in a spotlight

The unsatisfied desire for hunger…
The unfulfilled hope…I will feel…
I feel my senses burning inside
Yet, I have found an oasis of peace
But, I can’t drink…
I have been tied to the edge of my angel

The canopy of green beauty
Insults me, they torture me
Filling me with visions of the sky
After clipping my wings…
A cruel glimpse of infinity
Just to remind, that I am cursed

Dreams they came and went
I am left standing
Bloody torn shreds of flesh
Faith has left me cold…my heart in the grave
I stand alone…I can feel
The smell of burning senses

Brittle Sky

The heart grew heavy today.
Overcast skies. Drizzling rains.
Bittersweet nostalgia in the lackadaisical life-journey
A brief halt before pushing open the half shut door
Stepping in to find the fan turned off…yet turning in its inertia
You are inside…
I wondered why was I back…inertia?

The brittle sky breaks open…again
Why can’t I cry as easily?
But, no I don’t want to cry…
Before waking up from half-awake dreams
Before accepting that I have lost…yet again
The white freedom on the greydom is no longer a solace

The cry of anguish has lost itself in my throat
And I stare…The brittle sky breaks…again
I want to find you
In the prelude of tomorrow’s song
I want to ask you
Why you sentenced me to this weary fight…
How can I fight a shadow?

The rain grew heavier…outside…
I am still standing on the threshold of your house
Trying to push open…what was once your door
The door is gone…
But the void is more solid than any wall…
You are gone…and I’m back…inertia
The brittle sky keeps breaking.

Coward

In the darkening skies
Of a cloudy Sunday afternoon
I lost you…to the clarity of thought
I sacrificed you…to the demands of reason

There was nothing I could do…
Yet, I do not plead innocence
For I saw your eyes
Your eyes which had faith…I would do justice…

I left you to the hounds of night
I abandoned you to the gutters
Yet you did not lose faith…
Only a veil of sadness passed your eyes

There was nothing I could do…damn you…
There was nothing anyone could do…
You had challenged society…
I couldn’t stand by you

You refused the abortion in the discreet nursing home
You refused reason…
I had to stand by it…
Yet you had faith…I would do justice…

Why don’t you blame me?
Scream…Curse and hurl accusations
I know I was guilty…but you chose to hide it
Thirty years later I realise why…silently you had branded me…a coward.

Looking For An Answer

Let there be an answer…
To the broken hearts
And the broken dreams
To the shattered lives
And the blood on the streets

Let there be an answer
To the worst in us
And the business of death
To the villainy called politics
And the burden called life

Let there be an answer
To the storm raging in every soul
And the dampened fire extinguished in fear
To the quietened spirit
And the battered morale

Let there be an answer
To human greatness
To the love of existence
To the right of life
To the passion of love

If there’s an answer
I would like to know it
If there’s an answer
I dare you, to show it.

Shadow of A Dream

In the shadow of a dream
We lived.
We thrived.
And awoke in the sunrise of unspoken dreams
Throwing a challenge to the passing winds
We laughed.
We fought.
And found each other in the death of night.
Woken up in the silence of deafening thoughts
We kept quiet…
And heard the smile
Over the mute telephone line
And took comfort in the warmth of our embrace
Tentative were the faltering steps
Yet we found strength
To follow the elongating shadow
Of the setting sun

I live in the sparkling sunshine
Mesmerised by the beauty of my existence
Yet I miss the shadow…
Of the unexplored dreams…