Rain Messenger’s Diary10 ......Choices

A journey has to be started and I am the one taking the proactive step forward for maybe the first time in my life. A conscious decision to leave the city being the first step among the series of steps I have planned for myself. Sometimes, I wonder whether it is escapism or cowardice that propels me. I reflect on the transference a person can have on another person. It is as if an indelible impression of every person we meet lies within us, some more prominent than the others. Somehow, I have started to believe that our entire lives are spent in a manner that is closely entwined with these impressions. It is as if our choices are never ours or rather we, never do have choices just an “impression” of it. It is, as if, our choices are nothing more or less than a cumulative and complex (sometimes incomprehensible) reactions to the circumstances and the people around us. This, however, does not go to suggest that we, homo sapiens, are mere victims of varying circumstances, it means, simply that to understand our choices we should understand our circumstances and more importantly the impressions that people have left on us.

It is this journey that few take and therefore few are ultimately happy with their choices. They are a rare species who stand and say “...I took the road not taken and that has made all the difference.” You do not necessarily have to be a path breaker to love your choices but sometimes it is of the utmost importance to be at peace with your decision and this particular journey is what brings me to this juncture today. I suffered long and agonised a lot over whether or not I had done myself justice by doing what I had done all my life through my various choices. I have heard it said numerous times that you were capable of more and I needed to understand that I had lived not merely existed. As, I see it all of us get a few occasions in our lives when we can stop and look back and weigh the pros and cons of the road travelled so far and judge ourselves. I decided now was one such time for me. Standing at the threshold of starting a new journey, of leaving behind all that I had known and grown up with I wanted to stop for a while and ponder about those that made me choose.

The very first discovery that I made while trying to make this journey is that not all of our choices rather none of our choices are always due to positive reasons, there is always a negative influence somewhere in it. However, that does not make the choices wrong, it is just how it is, “grey”. Now, I know most of you who know me must smile at the mention of the grey with those here-he-goes-again faces and I must admit that it is not an unwarranted reaction. But, every time I have tried to make sense of any aspect of life, I have invariably hit my head against this colour. So, accepting that basic premise to be correct I found peace in my choice to leave this city of my firsts, the city which will always be closest to my heart. I know a lot has happened in the past few years and I have grown up a lot too. I have had to go through the grindstone to get back on my feet again after being fouled. There have been numerous people some who have become friends, some whom I met only once who have influenced my life and today I feel an immense gratitude towards them for I realise the sweetest revenge is to lead a good life.
The point of this essay was not to say that I am at peace with my decision to go to Delhi but just an outlet for me and as for those who care to read it, a way in which they might want to slow down for a while and just review their decisions. Ultimately, it is the peace we find within because of the trust we develop on ourselves that we will choose what is best for us and that above all we will respect the gift of life that make us what we are.

I had loved once upon a time and all my choices seemed simple then since they were all made with one objective in mind “her” but now they are again simple since they are again made with one objective in mind “I”.
After all the sacred word is – EGO.